My anxiety

I guess I’ve been this way all my life and it took me till recently to realize it. I push myself to smile and talk to people and then my body crashes when I have a day off and all I do is get irritated by every small thing and spend the whole day crying and not being able to pull myself together. When I was younger it was paralizing for me to socialise and talk with people and it still is. It’s just that as an adult you’re forced to ignore it and try to be normal. In my previous job of three years I worked by myself, i didn’t have to interract with people, but one coworker, who had similar interests as me, so It was easy to talk to them, and occasional hello and bye to a few people a day. In March that job ended and I had to get a new one. This one is stressful and I see dozens of people a day and speak with hundreads over the phone. Sometimes it’s just too much.

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I cannot possibly describe how well I’ve felt this week.

I cannot possibly describe how well I’ve felt this week. Not binging once, exercising 5 days a week, but not fasting like I used to. Dieting always meant the same for me ‘fast till you can’t fast anymore’ and ‘restrict till you can’t restrict’. This was the first week in 9 years where I actually followed a diet without going overboard and eventually binging. It’s true that I’ve been jealous of all the ‘normal’ people who make eating look so easy. All those people who have control over themselves, not just over food. Who never feel the urge to binge. Who make eating just an addition to their daily schedules, not schedule their whole days around it. People who don’t buy simply everything they want when they go grocery shopping. This must be it, the calm way of living. Without stressing, without needing. It took me 9 years to diet the ‘normal’ way. And now I finally start to feel good about myself.

Binge Eating Disorder recovery

Hi you guys, I have been struggling with binge eating disorder since my anorexia/bulimia recovery 3 years ago and I am currently at my highest weight. I live in the UK now, and this week I went to my GP and finally asked for help. I have been binge eating every day recently and I’ve gained 23 kilograms in 4 months. My GP sent me to have my blood test done, since I’m overweight now and haven’t had my period in 4 months. If you don’t know how the UK NHS system works, let me explain. There are a few things your GP will suggest if you’re overweight or obese. Medication called Orlistat, or Alli over the counter (Alli costs 39£) You’ll only get Orlistat if your BMI is above 30, mine is just that, funny my BMI was 16 when anorexia had the best of me, so I will be put on it shortly. Losing weight healthily after previous eating disorder is extremely hard. You have to constantly control yourself not to fall back into old habits and fast for 4 days. I have tried so many diets after my anorexia/bulimia recovery, that were supposed to be healthy, but weren’t. Bootea is not good for you. It’s just a laxative tea, so are any other companies that promise to detox you. Orlistat doesn’t do that. It stops saturated fats from staying in your body.  Its goal is to prevent obesity-related health problems such as diabetes type 2. Side effects include not really pooping, as much as fat coming out, so grab a lady pad not to stain your underpants. The second thing they do is give you prescription for exercise. This means you have a number of sessions with a qualified trainer at a local gym that you have to do. This is by far the best thing, because if you’re overweight or obese your knees start to hurt, and you either exercise for 10 min, which is not enough, or 40 which is too much for your knees. What’s more, they’ll tell you about weight loss groups in your area, something between Weight Watchers and Overeaters Anonymous. They may forget about it, so please remember to ask them. And lastly, they will refer you to a dietician, who will plan your meals. It’s okay if you’re a vegetarian or vegan, just tell them that, so they look for substitute meals, as lots of diets tell you to eat chicken or fish. What should you tell the doctor to get help? Tell them you’ve been gaining weight and you can’t stop eating and you really need help. They will help you, don’t be scared to be judged. I was and I could have easily asked for help a year earlier and be in the ‘healthy weight’ category now.

Spring’s coming

I am writing this update from work as i am scared i am going to have an accidental hiatus as I did last year and if I don’t write here regularly that would most likely happen. I treat this wordpress as my diary, so dear dumb diary here’s what happened this week. I’ve finally found a job that I actually like and signed a contract for 3 years. I am safe from worrying about money for 3 years, I can finally start helping my parents and save money to go back to uni. For the last six months I’ve been living in fear of serious money troubles. I have basically lived off candy and chips for a year, as it has most calories and is the cheapest and was anxious and nervous every day. What I am finally going to try, starting today is how to lose weight eating normally. Healthy, but in a sense of other products other than fruits and veggies, as I always confuse these two and live off fruits and tofu. This week I started eating two to three yogurts a day and am feeling good. I want to learn to eat normally like a healthy person who doesn’t have an eating disorder and doesn’t eat everything in just a few seconds. I will try to take breaks between each bite as I started this week. I must say I like it, actually enjoying food. I will continue to eat tortillas for dinner as I have every day since Jan 1st. These combined with some fruits and I will learn how to eat normally. I am at this very moment eating breakfast, a low fat cottage cheese of 195 calories. I have been eating it for more than fifty minutes now and I am proud that I didn’t swallow it all in one minute and cry for more. The job I am doing inolves sitting for 12h in the same uncomfy chair that has given me constipation the first day I got here. I was complaining about not having the time to workout as I am home for brief 5 hours a day, so I figured this is when exercises come in. I will do a 15 min workout session every hour or so. Yesterday I did more than an hour and the day before that two hours. The only problem I have now is that it takes me 6h a day to travel to work and back. Once I sort that out, and stick to the diet I’ve described above I have a chance at being happy again. A small one, but a girl can hope.

New Years Resolutions and how they look 1.5 months into 2014

I have decided to write a quick update. I found a new fabulous toothpaste yesterday and this morning when I looked in the mirror, I froze. They looked so big and thick and healthy. I started taking real care of my teeth in September 2012, as I realized due to my bulimia and drinking 5 energy drinks a day and always using a whitening toothpaste my teeth looked weak, transparent on the edges and the enamel was gone. One of my front lower teeth wore out on the edge and I finally realized what a damage I’ve cost my teeth for 4years of constant purging and drinking energy drinks but also 8 years of whitening toothpaste. I started using sensodyne toothpaste which does not only protect but also restore enamel. It did miracles on my teeth but leaves protective layers on your most exposed areas and it’s great but does not look very good as someone may think sth is growing on your teeth or you’re not washing them. Anyway, it’s worth it, so screw people. Last week I didn’t make much money and tried to find an equivalent to my Sensodyne restore and protect toothpaste which in the UK costs 4 pounds, and found Colgate enamel restore and protect which cost 1.60 pounds. Took it, tried it, and the rest I’ve already told you. Teeth look healthy, are shiny, enamel looking good, the ends look white and nothing grows on them. I am still going to use Sensodyne, I am just going to mix it up and use Colgate before going out. Maybe next month they’ll have Sensodyne for 3 pounds and I’ll take two tubes. I survived the almost starving two weeks, it was unbelievably hard, as I was eating mostly tortillas and every time I complained to my best friend she reminded me that we used to starve 5 and 4 years ago and it was so easy for us to go days without eating. I truly have no idea how we did it. My weight dropped though, a couple of kilograms as I was burning 1500 kcal at work only and eating 500 kcal during the day. Last couple of days I was drinking instant soups and could not lose a thing, I don’t know, was it salt or something, I’ll never know. Will throw out the remaining ones though, I only have asparagus ones left and they are horrible. I have no idea if I’m working on Monday but fingers crossed. Yesterday I bought tne food I need for a week and I am going to be okay. I haven’t worked out much this week. I did on Thursday and that’s pretty much it when I think of it. Will definitely work out today and tomorrow. Now, off to the New Years Resolution list and how many of these have I already broken and have to work on.

1. Take excellent care of my eyes. – Doing my best.
2. Wash my eyes every day with soap. – Always.
3. Wash my face every day. – Already broken.
4. Continue to take good care of my teeth. – Check and proud.
5. Continue not smoking. – Shouldn’t be a problem.
6. Stop eating candy at all times. – Broken. Ate a few times including yesterday and today.
7. Go back to being vegan. – This is going to be hard, for two weeks I was a vegan again, but yesterday I bought cookies and pizza.
8. Take vitamins every day. – Broken. Should focus on that.
9. Continue not purging. – Check and proud.
10. Go to dermatologist. – First thing I’ll do when I’m back home this summer.
11. Only use laxatives after eating something forbidden like candy or fries at Mac. – I don’t think I’ve used laxatives or lax tea since December.
12. Never eat fries at McDonald’s. – Haven’t broken.
13. Use mouth washer every day. – Run out of, will buy next friday.
14. Continue not drinking coffee every day. – Remember when you didn’t drink coffee for 5 months last year? Not drinking every day tht’s for sure.
15. Continue not drinking coke, soda or energy drink. – I did drink lemonade because they didn’t have water at the store. First and last time though.
16. Continue not drinking and eating things that have sweetener. – Except for that one lemonade, done.
17. Limit time in frony of the computer. – Failed.
18. Find a good paying,  stable job that I won’t have hate. – Still looking.
19. Help my parents financially. – Will do everything I can so they have an easier situation next year.
20. Lose all these kilograms. – According to my notebook, I’ve lost about 6 killgrams since New Years.
21. Start eating healthy every day. – Trying.
22. Excercise every day for at least ten songs if exhausted,  if not an hour.- Need to focus on that.
23. Blink often and use eye drops. – As often as I can.
24. Sleep more. Go to bed before 12 am. – Done every day but yesterday and today.
25. Don’t binge. – Binged today and yesterday.
26. Continue not cutting yourself.  – So far so good. Scars from February 2012 are finally starting to whiten so I am happier.
27. I will repair my relationship with my parents and make them proud again. – This is my priority.
28. I will be there for mh best friend 24/7. – Always.
29. I will spend all the time mh parents are at work with my best friend when I’m at home visiting. – I will.
30. I will be happy. – Oh It’s so hard.
31. I will do something creative every day. It’s hard wigh this job.
32. I will draw at least once a week. – Failed.
33. I will watch only good movies. – Failed.
34. Take photos of yourself. – Haven’t taken one in a long time.
35. Continue taking good care of your hair. – My pleasure.
36. Don’t bleach at all and don’t dye your hair every month. – We’re okay.
37. Take photos of the beautiful world around you. – Too exhausted working.
38. Write down everything you eat. – Trying.
39. Eat more grapefruit, avocados and mangos. – No money, but ate 4 grapefruits this week.
40. Get my control back so I can be proud of my lifestyle. – Trying.
41. Be open to meeting new people and talking to them. – Trying.
42. Socialize. – Been doing surprisingly good this year.
43. Make movies. – Will do.
44. Continue going to movies you love, but nkt every crap. – Will do.
45. Sing more, like you used to. – No conditions,  thin walls.
46. Read more. – Yes.
47. Stop being sad. – Easy to say.
48. Don’t think of suicide. – Would be easier if I had a stable job.
49. Buy nice clothes. – No money.
50. Write down your thoughts every day. – Every other day, like today.
51. Don’t spend your money on food that’s going to end up in the toilet. – Preach.
52. Do everything you can to go back to Australia. – Hard without a job.
53. Repair relationships with my friends. – Done! All three of them!
54. Stop swearing that much. – Done.
55. Last meal at 5pm. No eating after 5 under no circumstances. – Broke a couple of times.

That’s it. I’ll write soon! Now It’s time for my pizza. Have a good recovery, everyone!

Doing well considering

I have been doing well for the last couple of weeks, I am not gonna lie, 2013 wasn’t what I hoped it to be and has left me with many scars. Speaking of scars, I have been almost two years self harm free, technically. I did have some weak moments but I manged to grew past them, I am also almost 2 years bulimia free, again, technically,  as I still find myself using laxatives from time to time. I am still very much depressed and what is worse, I have gained many kilograms and to my scare, am heavily overweight at the moment. I haven’t been able to lose any weight since I gained it in April and am barely functioning. My eating very much depends on how much money I have in my pocket, as right after I get paid or recieve money from my parents I tend to run to the store and buy lots of crap and binge all the way, and then suffer for two or more weeks eating a fruit a day, or on better days a meal a day. It has been going on like this since February, which makes it a year and I really need to learn not to binge and how to plan better. The job I’m currently doing is crap and I never know if I’m going to work this or next week or not at all, or for how many days. Two poor weeks start tomorrow and this time I’m gonna weigh myself twice a week and not gain when I get money. Being an adult is awful and I just pray that my money dependent eating does not affect my health.

I don’t want my scars to define me.

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