Withdrawal

For the last, um, more than a year, when I wasn’t able to fast I binged on salt and something on sunflower oil. I am a vegetarian for more than 2 years now, and a vegan for a year, it’s time for new food restrictions. This time, salt, sunflower oil, pickles and sugar. I do not eat sugar, only small amounts that are added to my soy milk, but I am afraid If I forbid myself from eating salt, I am gonna turn to sugar for comfort, so this way, I am forbidding myself all of these. One day I will allow myself to consume them in smaller amounts, but right now I need to try to live without them. This is going to be super tough, as I have tried million times, and the withdrawals were so strong on me, that I gave into them. Also my kidneys are starting to fail and my mother says the amount of salt( if food isn’t all white covered with salt, then it is not food)I consume is the reason. This time is going to be different.

How do you know you are still disordered?

I  planned to start fasting today, so I was panicking about the Christmas Eve, and usually I would say oh well, I tried. They made me eat. But today I found myself panicking really badly and already imagining a scene of me screaming that I am an adult now, I eat by my own rules. I cried when I realized I still have this border that says ‘you cannot eat no mater what’, so I was lying on my back in bed not being able to stop crying. That’s when I realized I am still not well. I am still disordered. And that made me feel…safe, I guess. The only excuse I could come up with was, 8.30pm is too late for a supper. My mother said, fine, just grab yourself a banana, okay? So it’s 6.18pm and I am fasting, feeling both vulnerable and powerful. I am saved from food today, but there’s always tomorrow…

New year’s resolutions

I have been trying to glue myself together for three years now, and today I came to realizations of few things. Maybe all of this is not working out, because I grew up. I am not 14 anymore. Maybe I was naive, maybe I was really scared and broken that Ana got me under her wings. For the last few years I’ve been promising to get my control back, but it always ended with promises. 2012 will be different, because I am in control and I am changing the rules. I will not tell myself, I gotta be 35kg before 2013. No, this is not how it works. When I first stopped eating, I did not set any goals, I did not choose my weight aims, I was disordered, as not eating let me feel alive and be able to control myself and that was huge.

My 2012 resolutions:

I will not binge.

I will not eat anything based on sunflower oil.

I will not purge.

I will not use laxatives.

I will not cut myself.

I will try to be a little bit more happy.

This year is not going to be about fasting, this year is going to be about being able to be normal. To be able not to eat more than 600 cal. I will get what I want. Because I am older and smarter now.

2011

I am trying to find some positive aspects of 2011, and cannot find many. I really screwed up this year, all my personal stuff went wrong, social life fell into pieces, love life, don’t even get me started, school stuff all felt apart, and future stuff too.

Pluses:

I went vegan.

I found 1 show that I am crazy about, 1 that I love and 4 that I like.

I did not kill myself, though I planned it few times.

My nose was bleeding, making me happy.

I had stomach flu 2 times this year, without using lax or anything.

I found out I am good at arts, but I am still not sure about this.

I turned 18.

I can legally buy cigs and alcohol.

I got addicted to even more pills.

I found some new cool bands.

I watched many great movies.

Minuses:

I have absolutely no friends.

Everyone seems to be forgetting that I exist since they do not tell me when something cool is up.

I have ruined the relationship with my family.

I brought shame to my family not once.

I made everyone hate me and I seem to be annoying everyone.

I fucked up all school stuff, can’t do one thing right.

Since new years I gained 5 kg.

I had my heart broken.

I fucked an important exam.

I was sad all the time.

I was never able to get to school on time.

I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning.

I couldn’t fall asleep due to an on going insomnia.

I was exhausted from all the school work that I’ve been failing anyway.

I was cutting myself too often and too deep.

I’m a liar.

Lately people are asking me very rudely why have I gone vegan when one person does not make a difference, animal do not suffer and I am making my health fall apart.

Of course I am answering that none of their statements are true, and that I went vegan because I care about animals. The problem is that the reason I went vegan, my intentions were not what I claim them to be.

The thing is.

When I suffered from anorexia I used to have conrol.

So in need of wanting to get my control back.

For me this step was going vegan.

And still is.

I did not want to save animals as much as I wanted to get my control over food back, that’s why I have put restrictions on my diet. This is why I went vegetarian 2 years ago, and then vegan, 1 year ago.

It ‘s just that I realized I loved animals and really cared about them when, after gaining 6 kilograms, I stayed vegan. I could have quit, you know. As my first reason, control, fell apart I  could have go back to being just a vegetarian, but I stayed. And not that It has never crossed my mind, but I did not see any good reason of going back to the life I led before, it wouldn’t seem right. Now I know that I care, I never thought about that before.