New Years Resolutions and how they look 1.5 months into 2014

I have decided to write a quick update. I found a new fabulous toothpaste yesterday and this morning when I looked in the mirror, I froze. They looked so big and thick and healthy. I started taking real care of my teeth in September 2012, as I realized due to my bulimia and drinking 5 energy drinks a day and always using a whitening toothpaste my teeth looked weak, transparent on the edges and the enamel was gone. One of my front lower teeth wore out on the edge and I finally realized what a damage I’ve cost my teeth for 4years of constant purging and drinking energy drinks but also 8 years of whitening toothpaste. I started using sensodyne toothpaste which does not only protect but also restore enamel. It did miracles on my teeth but leaves protective layers on your most exposed areas and it’s great but does not look very good as someone may think sth is growing on your teeth or you’re not washing them. Anyway, it’s worth it, so screw people. Last week I didn’t make much money and tried to find an equivalent to my Sensodyne restore and protect toothpaste which in the UK costs 4 pounds, and found Colgate enamel restore and protect which cost 1.60 pounds. Took it, tried it, and the rest I’ve already told you. Teeth look healthy, are shiny, enamel looking good, the ends look white and nothing grows on them. I am still going to use Sensodyne, I am just going to mix it up and use Colgate before going out. Maybe next month they’ll have Sensodyne for 3 pounds and I’ll take two tubes. I survived the almost starving two weeks, it was unbelievably hard, as I was eating mostly tortillas and every time I complained to my best friend she reminded me that we used to starve 5 and 4 years ago and it was so easy for us to go days without eating. I truly have no idea how we did it. My weight dropped though, a couple of kilograms as I was burning 1500 kcal at work only and eating 500 kcal during the day. Last couple of days I was drinking instant soups and could not lose a thing, I don’t know, was it salt or something, I’ll never know. Will throw out the remaining ones though, I only have asparagus ones left and they are horrible. I have no idea if I’m working on Monday but fingers crossed. Yesterday I bought tne food I need for a week and I am going to be okay. I haven’t worked out much this week. I did on Thursday and that’s pretty much it when I think of it. Will definitely work out today and tomorrow. Now, off to the New Years Resolution list and how many of these have I already broken and have to work on.

1. Take excellent care of my eyes. – Doing my best.
2. Wash my eyes every day with soap. – Always.
3. Wash my face every day. – Already broken.
4. Continue to take good care of my teeth. – Check and proud.
5. Continue not smoking. – Shouldn’t be a problem.
6. Stop eating candy at all times. – Broken. Ate a few times including yesterday and today.
7. Go back to being vegan. – This is going to be hard, for two weeks I was a vegan again, but yesterday I bought cookies and pizza.
8. Take vitamins every day. – Broken. Should focus on that.
9. Continue not purging. – Check and proud.
10. Go to dermatologist. – First thing I’ll do when I’m back home this summer.
11. Only use laxatives after eating something forbidden like candy or fries at Mac. – I don’t think I’ve used laxatives or lax tea since December.
12. Never eat fries at McDonald’s. – Haven’t broken.
13. Use mouth washer every day. – Run out of, will buy next friday.
14. Continue not drinking coffee every day. – Remember when you didn’t drink coffee for 5 months last year? Not drinking every day tht’s for sure.
15. Continue not drinking coke, soda or energy drink. – I did drink lemonade because they didn’t have water at the store. First and last time though.
16. Continue not drinking and eating things that have sweetener. – Except for that one lemonade, done.
17. Limit time in frony of the computer. – Failed.
18. Find a good paying,  stable job that I won’t have hate. – Still looking.
19. Help my parents financially. – Will do everything I can so they have an easier situation next year.
20. Lose all these kilograms. – According to my notebook, I’ve lost about 6 killgrams since New Years.
21. Start eating healthy every day. – Trying.
22. Excercise every day for at least ten songs if exhausted,  if not an hour.- Need to focus on that.
23. Blink often and use eye drops. – As often as I can.
24. Sleep more. Go to bed before 12 am. – Done every day but yesterday and today.
25. Don’t binge. – Binged today and yesterday.
26. Continue not cutting yourself.  – So far so good. Scars from February 2012 are finally starting to whiten so I am happier.
27. I will repair my relationship with my parents and make them proud again. – This is my priority.
28. I will be there for mh best friend 24/7. – Always.
29. I will spend all the time mh parents are at work with my best friend when I’m at home visiting. – I will.
30. I will be happy. – Oh It’s so hard.
31. I will do something creative every day. It’s hard wigh this job.
32. I will draw at least once a week. – Failed.
33. I will watch only good movies. – Failed.
34. Take photos of yourself. – Haven’t taken one in a long time.
35. Continue taking good care of your hair. – My pleasure.
36. Don’t bleach at all and don’t dye your hair every month. – We’re okay.
37. Take photos of the beautiful world around you. – Too exhausted working.
38. Write down everything you eat. – Trying.
39. Eat more grapefruit, avocados and mangos. – No money, but ate 4 grapefruits this week.
40. Get my control back so I can be proud of my lifestyle. – Trying.
41. Be open to meeting new people and talking to them. – Trying.
42. Socialize. – Been doing surprisingly good this year.
43. Make movies. – Will do.
44. Continue going to movies you love, but nkt every crap. – Will do.
45. Sing more, like you used to. – No conditions,  thin walls.
46. Read more. – Yes.
47. Stop being sad. – Easy to say.
48. Don’t think of suicide. – Would be easier if I had a stable job.
49. Buy nice clothes. – No money.
50. Write down your thoughts every day. – Every other day, like today.
51. Don’t spend your money on food that’s going to end up in the toilet. – Preach.
52. Do everything you can to go back to Australia. – Hard without a job.
53. Repair relationships with my friends. – Done! All three of them!
54. Stop swearing that much. – Done.
55. Last meal at 5pm. No eating after 5 under no circumstances. – Broke a couple of times.

That’s it. I’ll write soon! Now It’s time for my pizza. Have a good recovery, everyone!

Doing well considering

I have been doing well for the last couple of weeks, I am not gonna lie, 2013 wasn’t what I hoped it to be and has left me with many scars. Speaking of scars, I have been almost two years self harm free, technically. I did have some weak moments but I manged to grew past them, I am also almost 2 years bulimia free, again, technically,  as I still find myself using laxatives from time to time. I am still very much depressed and what is worse, I have gained many kilograms and to my scare, am heavily overweight at the moment. I haven’t been able to lose any weight since I gained it in April and am barely functioning. My eating very much depends on how much money I have in my pocket, as right after I get paid or recieve money from my parents I tend to run to the store and buy lots of crap and binge all the way, and then suffer for two or more weeks eating a fruit a day, or on better days a meal a day. It has been going on like this since February, which makes it a year and I really need to learn not to binge and how to plan better. The job I’m currently doing is crap and I never know if I’m going to work this or next week or not at all, or for how many days. Two poor weeks start tomorrow and this time I’m gonna weigh myself twice a week and not gain when I get money. Being an adult is awful and I just pray that my money dependent eating does not affect my health.

I don’t want my scars to define me.

Saving my teeth.

I am trying to do a little let’s save my teeth program. I have finally realized how bad it is. I lost another little part of my first right down teeth a month ago. The problem is I’m addicted to whiteners, and now I have to stop. The last year has been very stressful and all I did was drink energy drinks and coffees. I have started vomiting about twenty times per day in September 2008. I have purged just three times since September a year ago. I believe it was once in September, then in January and once in May. Right now, I am more than 4 months purge free! I guess I always knew I would need to get new teeth, but I always thought it would be in my thirties. I just wish that there was some awareness saying that every purge counts. Every purge has an effect on your teeth. What I need to do is:

*never chew gum

*never use whitening toothpaste

*use toothpaste for sensitive teeth

*drink everything that is not water through a straw

*use a mouthwasher

*limit drinking of tea and coffee, if so use a straw

*stop eating things that require lots of chewing

*use only your back teeth for chewing

*eat a lot of calcium and vitamin d

*in general eat as many vitamins as you can

*wash your teeth three not two times a day

*never eat or drink something that has a sweetener

*never drink a cola zero or energy drink again

*stop peaking your teeth

*get the balls to go to a dentist and ask for help

I’ll tell what’s the upside to my newest realization. I don’t think of purging anymore. I know that I will never snap.

How freaking hard it is…

When you’re trying to lose weight the healthy way, not knowing how much is too much. Other words, I had this incredible urge to purge today and I have promised myself no more puking, ever. I haven’t vomited since my final exams in May, but today it hit me so hard, that I almost ran to the bathroom, instead I burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying, so the usual. I have decided to stop puking at the beginning of June, when I have realized what a huge damage I have done to my teeth. I don’t smoke, and yes okay, I’m a huge coffee drinker, but I don’t deserve to ruin my teeth like this. I never really saw it before, until this June. So I’m a month free of puking, and that made me feel safe, until today. I should mention that yesterday 4th anniversary of my ED, It started long before that, but on 15th of July 2008, I realized that me controlling every single aspect concerning myself is not a sign, but an ongoing anorexia. I remember I panicked and collapsed, but couldn’t stop myself from counting and exercising. I remember going with my mother to a mall and not hearing a thing, which felt beautiful. It’s killing me how I’m doing my driving license at the moment and my parents forbade me to pay for gym this month, as they know I would stay there for hours, and then all hurting and exhausted drive. So I’m exercising at home, unfortunately can’t go running, as my mother is on her very long leave, and I can workout only at night. Which of course I do everyday, for at least 2h. The problem is, when I chose to recover, I chose not to purge and fast, which is extremely hard, as I just end up binging most of the time, which I would normally purge. If someone could just take the sunflower oil away from me, that would definitely save my diet. Right now, I am trying to survive and lose at least some kilograms till I move out, where food doesn’t reach me.